Doggy Etiquette
by Black Rose TD
Summary: Akamaru teaches some puppies "the way of things" in the domesticated dog world. One-shot


Warning: Takes place during part two. Point of view switches from third to first. I will indicate with a line when that happens. Sorry for any errors. I was typing this in a hurry and didn't have time for my customary four read throughs.

Disclaimer: I do not own Naurto. I do own Yoshiko, Kohana, Hoshi, and the puppies though. They're just so darn cute.

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Akamaru lay at Kiba's feet in utter depression. Kiba looked down on his companion with worry in his dark eyes. He patted Akamaru's head comfortingly. "What's wrong with him?" Shino's soft voice came from the deep recesses of his many jackets. Kiba frowned and shrugged before turning back to companion, missing the way Shino's dark eyebrows rose in surprise. He had thought that Akamaru and Kiba talked about everything. Akamaru had been wallowing in this self-pitying depression for three days and it was starting to make Kiba feel bad himself. The dog had refused to talk about anything with his human friend and had preferred to just lay around whining and sighing in misery. Sighing the dog boy rubbed his friends ears the way he liked but lay his head on his arms on top of the restaurant's table when the action garnered no response.

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_Females_, I thought with a mournful whine. _Nothing but absolute trouble even if they are nice to sniff._ Kiba rubbed my ears and normally I would have let my tongue loll out and turn over for him to rub my stomach but today, just like yesterday and the day before, I was rolling in depression. I covered my face with my paws. Who would have thought that _I'd_ have women troubles? I mean I'm an attractive dog……right? Got all my teeth, my eyes are clear (not that you can see them), I've got one of the best noses around, and some of the sharpest hearing. What's not to love? Thinking back I probably shouldn't have said all those things to Hoshi's puppies but that wasn't my fault either! I only told them the truth. The way to do things. What's the harm in that?

_**Flash back**_

_It was a rare moment, Kiba wasn't at my side. Though I felt lonely, a little empty even, without him around there were just something's dogs had to do on their own. He'd understand. I passed Sakura's apartment and saw her cat Kohana sitting on the railing of her balcony. She meowed loudly and flicked her tail at me in greeting and a woofed back. She continued her cleaning and my ears twitched with impatience. "Some time today, Hana," I woofed impatiently. Her bright blue eyes narrowed at me, the color a stark contrast to jet black fur. She hissed and spit at me and went back to licking her white tipped tail. I shifted my weight on my paws. "Hana!" I yipped. She flicked her ears. _

"_What's in it for me Puppy?" She asked. I snorted. I hated when she called me that. I sighed._

"_What do you want Hana." It wasn't a question. I knew she wanted something. She gave me a smile that clearly said I- just-caught-the-canary._

"_Karafutomasu," she purred. I fought the erg to whine. This was going to be expensive. _

"_Done," I growled. Hana's smile widened and she jumped down from her perch to go into her apartment. I sat for a moment then heard barking from the apartment above hers. My tail started to wag wildly. A red haired girl came out onto her balcony and smiled down at me. _

"_Hi Akamaru. I'll have Yoshiko down in a moment," she said and disappeared into her apartment when the barking became much more excited. Finally a brown dog trotted out of the apartments over to me. We sniffed each other thoroughly and walked on our way. The Korean barbecue shop should be a good place to go since the cook and I had a deal. He fed me and my friends and he could give the bill to Kiba. _

_We walked past an apartment and Yoshiko stopped and bounded into the small side yard. I found a group of puppies tumbling over each other and smiled. Was I ever that young? I walked over slowly knowing that I was so much bigger than them. "Aren't they just the cutest little things?" Yoshiko cooed. I grinned._

"_Yeah." One of them waddled up to me, his round belly almost to large for his stubby legs to carry. His large round eyes widened even more when he got to the base of my paws. He sat on one. _

"_You're really big," he said unnecessarily. Yoshiko stifled a laugh. _

"_You're just small," I said with a laugh. He frowned._

"_I won't be small for long." He puffed out his little chest but his display was cut short when one of his siblings bowled him over. One girl puppy waddled over to me, avoiding the fighting tangle of paws and rollie pollie bodies. _

"_Our human says we're supposed to be good puppies so we can get adlopted," she said._

"_It's adopted stupid," a rather stout boy told her and pushed her over. She whined pitifully and flopped more than ran to the safety of Yoshiko's legs. _

"_How do we be good puppies?" Another girl asked me eagerly. Yoshiko smiled at me. _

"_How do they become good puppies, Akamaru?" She was laughing at me with her eyes and I turned back to the puppies with a smile and drew myself up to my full sitting height, looking down on the little ones as if they were solders and I their general. _

"_Okay troops," I woofed loudly to get their attention, my voice ringing with authority. "Listen up. I'm gonna tell you everything you need to know about being "good" puppies." They all snapped to attention and settled in front of me in a rough formation. "Keep in mind these rules only apply to male humans. For some reason females don't like any of them." The puppies nodded. "Let's start at the beginning. Greetings. When your keen ears detect the sound of one of your humans returning to your territory after an absence of __**any**_ _length, even a few minutes, and your keen nose detects his scent, you must prepare to greet him with proper enthusiasm when he opens the door. _

"_Wait directly behind the door and bark loudly, with tail wagging. To make doubly sure the right human is coming, put your nose to the ground and sniff as loudly as possible under the door. Your human will probably hit you with the door when he opens it, but don't let that stop you. Get right in front of him, stand up with your front paw waving in the air, and enthusiastically pound him with both of them, barking loudly to let all the neighbors know how happy you are. The best places to hit him are one: the crotch, two: the abdomen, or three: the chest depending on how big you all get and how high you will be able to reach. Right now you all will have to settle for a knee or ankle." They all looked down, heart broken. _

"_But if you can knock him down, go for it. In that case, be sure to cover his entire face with big, wet, sloppy 'kisses'. If you can manage to simultaneously hit him with a good whiff of 'dog breath,' even better. Most owners will react to this show of great love by showering you with hugs, pets, paw shakes and exclamations such as "Down Boy! Okay, Girl, okay! Or I love you too, but get off my chest!" At that point you have completed your greeting, and_ _you are permitted to free him." The puppies' stubby tails wagged happily at this. _

"_Once he gets past you and into the house, follow him around, stare at him with moist, sappy eyes, wag your tail and sniff his legs and rear-end to make sure no other animal has laid claim to him while he was out. Most humans get very annoyed when they find their rear-ends being sniffed, and will yell and push you away. In that case, you can either give up or wait until you think he's not looking and sneak in a few sniffs before he yells at you again." They all nodded._

"_Next is the Bed. If at all possible, you must share your human's bed at night. Humans make great cushions, and their beds are well designed for canine comfort. The best way to sleep with a human is to find some nice curve, such as the crook of the knees or under an armpit, curl up and make yourself as comfortable as possible. For maximum comfort, you must pin him down so he cannot move around and disturb you. The next best place to sleep is on the pillow. This may be difficult, since your human's head will already be occupying that area, and he may not be anxious to share it with you, but with a little patience you can push and prod until most of the pillow is yours. If your human wakes up and tries to pull the pillow out from under you, make yourself dead weight so that it will be very difficult for him to do so."_

"_If you have a pug nose, try not to snore too loudly when sleeping with your human, or you might find yourself in a nightly exile to the yard." The puppies shivered in revulsion, forgetting momentarily that they loved to be outside. "When the noise box goes off in the morning, and your human wakes up and begins to get out of bed, make yourself as limp as possible and refuse to budge, so that he will be forced to crawl over you. That way you won't have to get up, and your human will get some early morning exercise. Hopefully, he will be alert enough not to poke you, fall on you, knock you off the bed or fall on his own face in his efforts to get out from under the covers and climb over you before he is awake enough to know what he is doing." _

"_Once your human has vacated the bed, it's __**yours.**__ You can do anything you want to make yourself comfortable, including, but not limited to, crawling onto the pillow, curling up, getting as comfortable as possible, and relaxing. If possible, pull the blankets back and expose the pillow. Not only will this give you complete control of the pillow, it will give you some extra warm and comfortable lumps to creep into._

"_If your human sleeps with two pillows, and you stay small, burrow under the top one, flip it over and make a nice little nest in the groove between the two pillows. You now have a great place to nap during the day. Your human will love having your doggie scent, your drool and your hair all over his pillows. This is also an ideal place to bury rawhide chews, bones and other tasty things to be retrieved later. Rearrange the blankets until you have created a nice, big lump in the middle of the bed, then curl up on top of it. If you're a male, use the pillow to practice your mating skills--"_

"_Akamaru that's enough!" Yoshiko said sharply. I looked up in confusion along with the puppies. Without saying another word she got up and stalked off, our date forgotten. _

_**End of Flashback**_

Now she won't even talk to me. I whined miserably. What had I said? Kiba liked all that stuff right? He certainly never complained when I did it…well he wasn't particularly fond of the "mating skills" thing but he always laughs when I do everything else. "Women!" I half growled, following that with a snort of agitation.

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A/N: Not completely my idea. I just put it on paper. For Kodi. I know it's not exactly what you wanted since it's not really a romance but it just morphed from romance to…this. –sweat drop- Sorry. Karafutomasu is pink salmon, and I really don't know how much it costs. -blush- It could be very cheep for all I know. Thanks for reading.

Black Rose


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